June ushered in a change I find entirely unpalatable, incomprehensible, unforgiveable in my life.

It is with grief, and no few tears, that I had to part with my dog and her love. So few others have ushered in such joy, and opened up my own ability to love, to my life. Never again that friend who provides such comfort - without devices or conceptions of their own, just unfailing and unrestrained love.

June 22nd seems so long ago, but the pain hasn't gone away. And so many people have been unbelieving of my sorrow at the loss of Pixie. "It's just a dog, it's not like she was a person." No. She was more, and better, than any person. Better than these same people are capable or willing to believe or discover or nurture in their dogs. Unfortunate souls, they know little of the great loyalty and devotion - the profound joy and in conjuction the ineffable sorrow - such loving and selfless creatures deserve and offer.

I have had horrible, indescribable nightmares since she died. I am of the opinion she went suffering and with no little pain. It haunts me. I miss her, I mourn for her. I find myself ashamed that the last seven months of her existence we had to be parted - she living an hour away with my parents because I am living in a place that doesn't allow pets. It was the best of feelings to arrive home and have her thrilled to see me... But I feel perhaps I took her for granted. I abandoned her. I had no choice? I can scarcely account for that. I feel that had she been with me, still would she be here.... Guilt then is a companion to my very real grief.

Strangely enough I feel I have not yet had the opportunity to mourn her in the way that I need. I feel this all building inside me, awaiting the correct catalyst towards its detonation.

I miss my dog. I do not see life being remotely enjoyable with her absence from it....